12am Spiral
Fresh new day after sleeping eight hours! After looking back on my blog from last night, I think I’ll keep it up but expand on it a little and make it clearer-I wasn’t doing well last night. I’m still clean-don’t worry! Tomorrow, I’ll officially be two weeks clean of drugs and alcohol!
I’ve muted a few people today for my own sake, I’m talking with a friend about something exciting on the horizon. I need to drag myself outside today-I noticed how pale my hands are getting from not touching grass. Parts of them have turned purple…😓 I need to get a few things ready for school since my holidays end this weekend. Maybe that’s what I needed: a routine forcing me to get up and be the best version of myself! Truthfully, I don’t think I’ve been emotionally doing well this week. I’ve just been in some sort of episode-not eating, sleeping a lot, curled up on my bed. I’ve been so drained. I miss him a lot… Well, no-I miss being able to depend on someone, feeling no judgment, like I’m not a burden to them. I miss that.
I’ve been thinking about returning to someone who wants to worsen me: my ex-FB. He constantly wanted me to relapse, encouraged me to talk to older people, and told me it was “normal.” I spoke with him a while ago, asking if he’d still do that to me, and he promised he would. It’s kind of pathetic of me to admit that I’d return to him. I’m thankful to Caroline for helping me leave that “friendship.”
Maybe it started with my groomer trying to contact me again? I think it’s been a lot of things this week, just slowly tipping me to this point. The breaking point was feeling like a burden-for being clingy and annoying, for seeing people talk about my trauma without my permission, for realizing they admit to ignoring me when I’m struggling. I understand I can be a lot, but it still stung.
I feel like leaving everything and falling deeper into this episode-maybe relapsing. It’s sad. I just want a week where I can recover and go back to my “normal.” I don’t think I’ll ever get that.
Remember Patients, No matter where you are on your journey-whether you’re feeling strong or struggling-remember that every step forward, no matter how small, is progress. It’s okay to have days when you feel lost or overwhelmed. Those moments don’t define you; your courage to keep going does.
Be kind to yourself today. Celebrate your victories, learn from your challenges, and know that you are never alone.