Birthday
Good afternoon, my dear readers,
this is more of a vent post.
It’s my dad’s birthday today, and i don’t know what i’m supposed to do with that. We haven’t spoken since he kicked me out, and he hasn’t reached out either. it feels like no matter what choice I make, say something or stay silent,it’ll turn into something bad anyway. so i’ve just been sitting with it.
i don’t even know how old he is. That feels like something I should know.
i don’t hate birthdays. I love them, actually, just not mine. I love celebrating other people, giving them gifts, seeing them happy. I love the feeling of making someone’s day feel special.
But when it comes to me, it feels… different.
Mine is in july, and people keep asking what i’m doing for it. I don’t have an answer. i never really celebrate it on the actual day. It’s always before, or after. The day itself is usually quiet. Just me.
I’ve always told myself that’s okay.
But there’s something about that day that feels heavy in a way I don’t really talk about. I let it slip once, to one person, and even that felt like too much. I don’t ask for help. I just sit with things until they pass.
I think what stays with me the most is the thought that if I ever disappeared, the people I care about would think I'm ghosting them.
And maybe that’s the part that hurts the most.
Maybe this year i’ll try something small. Buy a cake. Something simple.
I like cheesecake. I like black forest cake more.