Masochistic Tendencies & Self-Growth
Good evening, Patients!
I had hoped to write more this weekend, but unfortunately, I’ve been feeling unwell and a bit frustrated. Still, I’m happy to share that I’ve made most of my account public again! It’s so nice to reconnect with all of you.
I’ve mentioned before that I struggle with masochistic tendencies. Sometimes, I find myself seeking out relationships or situations that I know will hurt me. It’s like I do things that set me back or cause myself harm as a way to cope. I’ve even gone back to abusers in the past because of this. But I want you all to know that I’m working on myself, and I’m trying hard to break these patterns.
Lately, things have felt overwhelming. I just need an outlet. Earlier today, I accidentally left a scar on my finger—it wasn’t intentional, but it did distract me for a while. I wrote about it in my diary, and I also mentioned that I’m thinking about getting my tongue repierced. I originally took the piercing out after my SA. He used to say he liked my long hair and the tongue piercing, and he’d comment on it often. That made me remove it.
My hair means a lot to me for some reason. It’s extremely sensitive—even a gentle pull can make me cry. But I love using it to express myself. I usually wear it down and messy, but recently, a friend has been helping me learn how to style it! They bought me some hair-curling tools and have been teaching me how to care for it properly. I’ve only ever cut my hair short during stressful times, but now I’m trying to let it grow out again.
I’ve been trying to be more honest about my self-destructive behaviors and to work toward a better future. It’s tough, especially when I’m going through a rough patch. Getting piercings has been a simple way for me to cope, but I know I need to find healthier habits and leave the old ones behind.
Caroline suggested I play my favorite games when I feel this way, since they help distract me. The only downside is that I sometimes get overly attached to certain characters. For example, after my grooming situation, I coped by playing Fear & Hunger and clean dishes—now I’m really attached to both.
I’ve been thinking about returning to my online persona. I kind of dropped it after people started having expectations of me. I chose the name “nurse” as a way to cope with my own medical conditions, but sometimes people take it too seriously and tell me I don’t deserve the title because of how I act. It’s fascinating (and sometimes frustrating) how parasocial relationships can be.