Possessive Tendencies
Good afternoon, my dear readers,
Lately, I’ve been struggling a lot with my own tendencies, especially those tied to my personality disorder. I spoke to my twin about them, particularly the possessive thoughts, because, more than anything, they make me feel disgusting. There’s something deeply unsettling about being aware of those thoughts while also not aligning with them.
I tried to explain it to him the best I could. Sometimes, I find myself wanting someone to stay with me and only me, to always be within reach, to feel like they are entirely mine. The idea of leaving marks on them, always being able to touch them, always knowing they’re there. It’s not even loud or overwhelming all the time, it just lingers in the background, like something that quietly exists whether I acknowledge it or not.
But at the same time, I know myself well enough to understand that I would never actually isolate or harm someone I love. If anything, I think I would leave before it ever got close to that point. That’s what confuses me the most, the separation between the thoughts and who I know I am.
I often wonder where these thoughts even came from. When I was younger, I didn’t feel this way at all. I was indifferent in a way that almost feels foreign to me now. When an ex told me they liked someone else, I didn’t react emotionally, I just left the relationship in that same conversation. Part of me misses that version of myself, the one who didn’t feel so intensely, even if I know that time in my life came with its own issues. I was heavily abusing substances back then, which probably numbed more than I realized.
Now, it feels like the complete opposite. If that same situation happened, I think I would split, cry, get angry, and react in ways that don’t feel proportionate or fair. And yet, when I imagine myself in the same situation, I feel entirely devoted. It’s never halfway, it’s always everything.
What makes it harder is that, when these dynamics are reversed, I don’t feel the same disgust. I’ve had exes and friends leave bruises and marks on me before, and I never minded. I was completely fine with it. My FP even has my location at all times, and that doesn’t bother me either. But the moment I imagine myself being the one who wants that control, that's when I feel overwhelmed.
I’ve started to recognize that these thoughts are often triggered by fear, specifically, the fear of being abandoned. When I feel threatened, or like someone might leave me, those thoughts become stronger. And afterwards, the guilt follows. It builds up to the point where I isolate myself.
A big part of why I would choose to leave instead of staying and risking those behaviours is because I have a habit of convincing myself I know what’s best for others, especially when it comes to me. If I feel like my presence is making someone worse, I leave. If I feel like they dislike me, even slightly, I leave. It’s almost automatic.
I’ve been trying to challenge that by communicating more, and it has helped. Some of those thoughts have lessened when I actually talk instead of assuming. But they’re still there, and I still struggle with them.
I think, more than anything, what scares me isn’t just having these thoughts, it’s the possibility of becoming them. The idea that I could turn into someone who isolate someone I love because I'm scared they're going to replace me, really scares me.