Things I Can't Remember
I’ve been so tired lately. I keep waking up every hour throughout the night, and it’s starting to catch up with me. I’ve also been missing someone important to me a lot. I tried to spend time with him, but he’s been really busy, so I’ve just been… waiting.
To distract myself, I’ve been keeping busy with things I’ve been putting off. I finally sorted out my medical card, which was long overdue. I used to pay for my appointments out of pocket, $87 each time, and only get $57 back. But because I was under my parents’ healthcare cards, that money would go to them instead of me. So at least that’s one thing I’ve managed to fix.
I’ve also been trying to study for my biology final. It’s worth 50% of my grade and covers ten topics, which is… a lot. It’s completely online too, which makes it worse. I can’t figure out the app we’re supposed to use, and there’s a practice exam we’re meant to complete, but I just can’t bring myself to do it yet, especially knowing my camera and microphone will be on the entire time while my screen is recorded.
On a better note, I bought a bunny plush recently, and I’ve been waiting for it to arrive. It reminds me a lot of that person, it’s basically a version of him as a plush. I asked if it was okay for me to get it as a comfort item, since I know he can’t always be there for me, and he said it was. I’ve been checking the tracking constantly, it’s already in Australia, just in another state, so it should only take a few more days. I want it so badly. It’s covered in bandages and has an eyepatch, which makes it feel even more… familiar, in a way. I really hope it arrives before my trial, I think I might genuinely cry if I have to leave without it.
I did get into a bit of trouble today for falling asleep in the middle of the day, but I’m on break, so I don’t really think it matters. After this week, things are going to get busy again with my physical screening, the trial, and plans with friends.
My siblings have also been asking me medical questions for their writing, mostly about the brain and what happens when certain areas are damaged. We were talking about the frontal lobe and the hippocampus, and how things like PTSD can affect them. It made me realise how easy it is for me to forget that parts of my own brain are affected too. PTSD runs through my family, so memory problems are kind of… normal for us.
I remember when I was first told I had PTSD, I brushed it off completely. At the time, I refused to believe anything could be “wrong” with me. Accepting it would have meant admitting that my childhood actually affected me, and I wasn’t ready for that.
Speaking of that, I have these strange memories from when I was younger. I remember living on a farm, though I don’t know how or why I was there. There was a huge open field and a large house. I remember cutting my stomach and leg trying to climb a fence in shorts. I remember someone showing me a dying horse. I remember riding another one. But I can’t remember any faces or voices, just flashes of moments.
The one that sticks with me the most is the dying horse. I think about it more often than I should. It was just laying there, with a cover on it. There were people surrounding it. The person who showed me walked off to speak to the other people there, and I just watched it. The flies landing on its eyes. It was so weak it could barely move. The smell was horrible too.
I also remember trying to take a baby sheep because it looked like the one from Shaun the Sheep.
I asked both my parents about it, and neither of them knows what I’m talking about. But there were months where I wasn’t with either of them, and no one in my family even lives on a farm. So I don’t really know what to make of that.
My memory is mostly gone, if I’m being honest. I don’t remember much, just random fragments. Most of the time, I rely on other people to tell me what happened, and I just… believe them.