Understanding Love
Last night, my FB called me to talk about her boyfriend. To be honest, I don’t truly understand “love”—at least not romantically. I love the people around me as much as I can, but my love for my fb is something I can’t even comprehend. She could ask anything of me, and I’d do it without hesitation. Recently, she asked me to drop a few mutual friends who drained us both, and I did so automatically. I feel comfortable enough to sleep beside her and let her touch me. She knows me better than anyone I’ve ever met—she senses when I’m uncomfortable, even if I’m just zoned out. She understands that I dislike saying “I love you,” yet I say it to her. We can sit in silence for hours, perfectly content, and spend weeks together without boredom creeping in.
Anyway, her boyfriend is… interesting. Since Australia is currently on school holidays, she’s been trying to spend more time with him, but he keeps ditching her to play video games with his best friend and get high. He constantly promises to prioritize her, then breaks those promises. When she confronts him, he gets angry, and she ends up apologizing. It’s unsettling to see how drained she’s become. She’s even stopped openly enjoying her favorite characters because he gets jealous. In my understanding of love, this doesn’t sound like it. He just sounds controlling.
Truthfully, as I’ve said, I don’t fully grasp romantic love. I think I’ve been in love before, but I’m terrified of ruining it—I worry I’ll make them hate me when I think I like them romantically. I also don’t realize I’m romantically interested in someone until much later. My pattern is to grow attached, depend on them, then suddenly lose interest and vanish for days. I don’t know why I do this. Maybe I’m drawn to “interesting” people, dissect them until the novelty fades, and leave. That doesn’t feel “normal,” but who’s to say what is?
During my most recent relationship, he annoyed me a lot. He forced me into the relationship, and I found him boring. When I told him I ditched him to play Slow Damage, he told me to stop playing the game—he was jealous that I liked Towa. It reminded me of what my IRL friend once said: “Your partner would have to be okay with your interests and Riakos, without feeling threatened—maybe even join you while playing games.” I don’t think I’ll find someone like that.
A part of me feels like I don’t have the right to date, to fall in love. Not because I’m unworthy, but because I’ve convinced myself that my patterns—my habit of attaching too fast, then pulling away when the novelty fades—turn me into a problem people don’t want to deal with. I worry my intensity will suffocate someone, or, that they'll grow bored and leave. How could I ask someone to accept my love for my Riakos, my need for silence, or the way I hyperfixate on games, when even I struggle to accept these parts of myself? Maybe I’m not built for the kind of love that demands consistency. Or maybe I just haven’t found someone who sees my messy parts as something beautiful, not broken.
Remember Patients, Love isn’t always easy to understand—sometimes it’s confusing, messy, and even painful. It’s okay to feel unsure about what love means for you, especially when you’ve experienced relationships that drain you or make you question your worth. Remember, you deserve to be with someone who respects your passions, supports your growth, and lets you be yourself without jealousy or control.